Stress.... Can't Live With it, Can't live without it...

Stress has been kicking my butt lately.  Throughout my life it comes and it goes in waves that knock me over like brick wall.  One moment I'm doing good eating well, tracking my food, going to the gym, seeing a personal trainer and BAM SOCK BooM.. I'm down for the count.  It's a vicious cycle.

I can't seem to overcome stress, and I think I'm just going to stop trying. There isn't much I can really do about the car needing new tires, work, and being worried about what other people think.  There isn't anything I can do about it.  So why do i even care? The truth is I can't live with it and I can't live without it.  So stress is here to stay, and it's going to have to be me who changes, if I'm ever going to overcome it.  Reading books has always been a source of comfort for me, and I've read about letting stress go.  The problem is remembering to let it go. No wonder the Bible says remember so many times.  I've heard that a lot before too.

So stress your here to stay, and I'm going to say.. Ok that's fine. I'm just not going to pay any attention to you.

I fell off and it hurts....

Falling off the wagon hmm... It's not fun.  It's also a confusing feeling to YouTube others before and after clips.  It makes me wonder if I had just stuck with it maybe I'd have my own successes.  But maybe just maybe my time is around the corner I'll have an inspiration and will advance quickly and be motivated the whole time.. NOT.

The reality seems that this is a daily thing to deal with.  A lifestyle that includes healthy eating and activities, is the best way to battle.  Relying on my own inspiration is fickle and unforgiving.  The same excuses come to mind work, husband, children, friends, holidays.  It is all time consuming but are blessings I would never trade.

My prayer is that i would find balance and not even recognize it.  I pray that i would have the strength to push through regardless of how I feel. I pray I am able to find grace in myself that it's ok.

But I'm tired...

As a woman what do you say when you can feel the weakness in your bones to sleep?  When that time of the month comes and you can hardly focus.  The process all together can take 2 weeks or several days to recover and pass through.  Do you still go to the gym? Or simply say "But I'm tired".  This week I chose to say "but I'm tired".  And I am. And it makes me think, ponder.

Is it ok? Do I just quit? Is it really too hard? How do I get back on track? There are so many thoughts that run through your mind. And maybe the best thing to do is not think about any of them. Not even being tired and just allow your mid to be blank. Let the questions fade from your mind.  Let grace and love overcome you.  Maybe it's not that big a deal to even waste a though on. Maybe we just pay attention to the  moment and let the next come. So be it. I'm too tired to spend any more thought time on it.

What will people say?

Today was a good day and then....  I had a run in with some people at work, and it kind of threw me off my game.  Is it me or does everyone have a person at work that doesn't exactly wish you the best.  I had a picture from about 2 months ago and she looks at me and says "wow that doesn't' even look like you, it looks like someone else".  It was one of those comments said in such a way, that it was meant to hurt you.  I know that it shouldn't bother me.  That person has their own trials in their life.   But let me tell you it almost threw me over the edge to run to the local GNC and get that fat burner my friend was talking about yesterday.  I didn't go, and stopped myself from taking that leap I've taken so many times before.  Yes it is difficult, but I'm on a path that I've truthfully not taken before.

When I got home from a long day at work and was suppose to go to the gym, with my trainer.  In stead I had my husband go to my session and I stayed home, made dinner, and helped my son with his project. As much as I would like to say making dinner for my family, and a school project was so important.  But I know that if I'm truthful with myself I know that I could have made it to the gym and still done the other things I had planned.  I don't think it's a healthy thing to be too hard on myself.  On the other hand I need to be realistic with myself, and know that I could have made it.

Breakfast - Missed
Lunch - Spinach Salad & artichoke soup
Dinner - veggie pancakes
snack - cottage cheese and banana
* I didn't eat any meat today

Overall today was good.  I am learning daily and this process is proving to be growth.  Let's see what else it brings. I'm excited.

Getting up early.. .

Today I got up early and did a 30 min walk.  It wasn't exactly easy to get up.  I'm more of a night person if I had to categorize myself.  I woke up early did my walk ate breakfast, and was so famished that I went back to sleep.  Finally when I woke up it was hard to get going.  Later in the day I met with my trainer and had a pretty good workout.

Breakfast - cream of wheat
snack - veggie chips
lunch - grilled chicken, salad, and rice
snack - roasted chestnuts
dinner - cottage cheese and veggies

It's hard to get used to eating carbs.  I felt so bad eating rice that i was worried about eating dinner. My trainer and the numerous nutrition books that i have read, say that carbs are essential.  In any case it's still hard to get through that mental block about eating carbs.

I also had a run in with a friend of mine who is taking diet pills.  This is another source of frustration for me.  Taking fat burning pills has worked for me in the past, but obviously it wasn't something that had a long term effect for me.  I never really liked how fat burners made me feel.  I talked to my trainer about it and he said to pass them up.  I will have to say the several times that I've turned to fat burners they had some kind of negative effect on me.  This time I am going to "just say no".  In a way it is an empowering feeling to say that. It's exciting to think that this journey will be different than any other that I have taken in this battle with my body and mind.

Today I am encouraged.. :)

Here we go again...

I had the idea to do this once before.  You can see from the date of my last blog that it has been sometime.  Interesting enough my thoughts are still the same.  My intention is go through, regardless of what trials I face.

I recently signed up with another personal trainer.  I've had several over the years as my weight went up and down. He is a joy to workout with, and I believe that he truly wants me to succeed not only for his financial wellbeing but for my goal to be accomplished.

That leads me to wonder fully what is my goal? Is my goal to wear a mini skirt that attracts attention or is it to be healthy and to break the cycle of being held captive by my body.  Slowly I'm finding that this battle with my body also includes my mind and the struggle I have between my faith and the media.  There is so much more to this battle I've had than just lifting my fork too many times.

My goal is to blog daily and show my results and mood.  My hope is that by keeping myself accountable to myself that I can provide the avenue in my day to have a reminder.


Current Routine 
Exercise - 50 min with trainer 3-4 times per week
Cardio - 2 times per week walking 1 hour or more in treadmill (3.0mph w/ 4-7 incline) while reading
Eating - www.loseit.com & lose it app on my iPhone logging all food and exersise

Thank You for this journey...

Here we go.....

Well I'm on a journey through. That's the best way I can explain it. I've made a choice to go through whatever pain, questions, discovery and growth God wants to put in my path. Rather than like the many times in the past of running from fear, and avoiding hard questions. I've made a choice to go through.

I've had several revelations that have brought me this far, where I have the confidence to voice my journey.

I'm excited to share I'm excited to see where this journey takes me.

God, I pray that you give me the wisdom and direction to go "through". I pray you reveal to me the path that you want me to go. I am afraid but I feel courage knowing you are with me. Lord I know through your word that you love me. You have better plans for mr than I could ever have for myself.

Thank you for this journey. Thank you for lighting my path along the way. Thank you for your love and grace.