I'm an addict....

I thought about starting a new blog to detail the new journey that I am on.  But then how would I or anyone else know the struggle that this has been for me.  How would I recognize or remember the long path that it's been.  I feel an obligation to be as real as possible for myself and anyone else who has encountered this troubling relationship with food. 

I've recently discovered or taken the first step to recovery.  I am addicted to food.   I have never learned the proper way to eat, and happy, sad, stressed or bored food has been my comforter.  I started reading a book.  The Hunger Fix by Pamela Peeke, and it has opened my eyes to how I really viewed food, but never allowed myself to admit.  So I discover it's time for me to go to rehab.  I need to learn how to eat, and I need someone to help me.  I had done some research online and looked into Weight Watchers.  I had done it onece before for 2 months, but never really took it seriously.  

Yesterday I found a WW meeting and just went, and drug my husband with me.   I sat through the meeting, amongst people that I didn't feel insecure around, and was completely grateful.  The joy I felt was so rewarding.  You always say i know I'm not alone, but in that meeting I really felt it, and I was truly comforted.  I signed up and here we go. 

The funny thing is as soon as I walked out of the meeting my first thought was, hmmm maybe I should have a final meal, and celebrate my new path.  But this time I stopped and made a choice to start and just do my best.  They say for people with drug addiction, relapse is apart of rehab.  So I'm just going to try and go to meetings, allow people to get close, and be proud of myself.  

My name is Corinne and I am a food addict.  Lord thank you for the trials in my life, because I know somewhere down the line when you are ready to show me, it will turn into good.  I am going to develop a character I could only have developed by my trials.  

My body is with me wherever I go...

The saga continues. It's been several months and creating a physical transformation continues.  For better or worse my body is still my body.   The road is difficult but I think the lesson I've learned so far is, my body is still my body.  When I post these blogs it's a different space and time but I bring my body along with my in this world.  Taking care of my body is important and it's coming with me on this journey.

Although the road is still rough, my attitude is positive and hopeful. It's not a competition, not even with myself.  The urge to progress and try and keep up with what we think is the optimal, is exhausting.  My prayer is to stay hopeful, and move forward with a new story, a story.

My God loves me, my husband loves me, my children and family loves me.

* late i forgot to publish this one.

Day 1: Insanity Workout

Ok. So today was my first day of insanity.  I thought maybe I should post some in between of how I came to this position, but I'm sure it's the same as everyone else. The time passes and the food has been unplanned and frankly not thoughtful.  But that's ok and I'm going to try and be positive, and say it doesn't matter what happened between then and now. So I move forward with hope in my heart.

Day One was tough, I was out of breath and my feet hurt. My husband and I are going through the program together and trying to support each other. It is a new thing to workout with him, but so far so good. We were both thrown off a little not knowing what to expect. Day One was the fit test, it pretty much gives you a bar to measure your results not in inches or lbs but how many reps you can do of some of the core exercises.  They were pretty intense and for people that need to lose 50+ lbs it was tough on my body.  We sweat more in the routine than I had in many longer workouts.

Food For Thought:
I was making chicken nuggets and mac & cheese for my kids when I did the workout, and that made me completely nauseous.  Thinking ya that just wasn't worth it eating something that was semi-good or do these crazy workouts. LOL.

I hope that like my workouts my blogs will get better too....

Stress.... Can't Live With it, Can't live without it...

Stress has been kicking my butt lately.  Throughout my life it comes and it goes in waves that knock me over like brick wall.  One moment I'm doing good eating well, tracking my food, going to the gym, seeing a personal trainer and BAM SOCK BooM.. I'm down for the count.  It's a vicious cycle.

I can't seem to overcome stress, and I think I'm just going to stop trying. There isn't much I can really do about the car needing new tires, work, and being worried about what other people think.  There isn't anything I can do about it.  So why do i even care? The truth is I can't live with it and I can't live without it.  So stress is here to stay, and it's going to have to be me who changes, if I'm ever going to overcome it.  Reading books has always been a source of comfort for me, and I've read about letting stress go.  The problem is remembering to let it go. No wonder the Bible says remember so many times.  I've heard that a lot before too.

So stress your here to stay, and I'm going to say.. Ok that's fine. I'm just not going to pay any attention to you.

I fell off and it hurts....

Falling off the wagon hmm... It's not fun.  It's also a confusing feeling to YouTube others before and after clips.  It makes me wonder if I had just stuck with it maybe I'd have my own successes.  But maybe just maybe my time is around the corner I'll have an inspiration and will advance quickly and be motivated the whole time.. NOT.

The reality seems that this is a daily thing to deal with.  A lifestyle that includes healthy eating and activities, is the best way to battle.  Relying on my own inspiration is fickle and unforgiving.  The same excuses come to mind work, husband, children, friends, holidays.  It is all time consuming but are blessings I would never trade.

My prayer is that i would find balance and not even recognize it.  I pray that i would have the strength to push through regardless of how I feel. I pray I am able to find grace in myself that it's ok.

But I'm tired...

As a woman what do you say when you can feel the weakness in your bones to sleep?  When that time of the month comes and you can hardly focus.  The process all together can take 2 weeks or several days to recover and pass through.  Do you still go to the gym? Or simply say "But I'm tired".  This week I chose to say "but I'm tired".  And I am. And it makes me think, ponder.

Is it ok? Do I just quit? Is it really too hard? How do I get back on track? There are so many thoughts that run through your mind. And maybe the best thing to do is not think about any of them. Not even being tired and just allow your mid to be blank. Let the questions fade from your mind.  Let grace and love overcome you.  Maybe it's not that big a deal to even waste a though on. Maybe we just pay attention to the  moment and let the next come. So be it. I'm too tired to spend any more thought time on it.

What will people say?

Today was a good day and then....  I had a run in with some people at work, and it kind of threw me off my game.  Is it me or does everyone have a person at work that doesn't exactly wish you the best.  I had a picture from about 2 months ago and she looks at me and says "wow that doesn't' even look like you, it looks like someone else".  It was one of those comments said in such a way, that it was meant to hurt you.  I know that it shouldn't bother me.  That person has their own trials in their life.   But let me tell you it almost threw me over the edge to run to the local GNC and get that fat burner my friend was talking about yesterday.  I didn't go, and stopped myself from taking that leap I've taken so many times before.  Yes it is difficult, but I'm on a path that I've truthfully not taken before.

When I got home from a long day at work and was suppose to go to the gym, with my trainer.  In stead I had my husband go to my session and I stayed home, made dinner, and helped my son with his project. As much as I would like to say making dinner for my family, and a school project was so important.  But I know that if I'm truthful with myself I know that I could have made it to the gym and still done the other things I had planned.  I don't think it's a healthy thing to be too hard on myself.  On the other hand I need to be realistic with myself, and know that I could have made it.

Breakfast - Missed
Lunch - Spinach Salad & artichoke soup
Dinner - veggie pancakes
snack - cottage cheese and banana
* I didn't eat any meat today

Overall today was good.  I am learning daily and this process is proving to be growth.  Let's see what else it brings. I'm excited.